is it really the middle of may? already? has it really been seven months since you touched me last?

people still come to me and tell me about you. and you know. this shit hurts like a bitch. that they know i still care. that they know i still think about you from time to time. sometimes when i am driving with my windows down my heart wants to listen to kendrick lamar’s LOVE. but i tell it it can’t. it can’t do that until it can listen to it and not think of you.

when? never?

i can still feel that slow fucking smile against mine. you know the way our lips were so right together. i know you know that, you were the one who pointed it out. i can still feel those hands. those legs. those smooth motions you always used to do when we were kissingthisfuckingsucks. youfuckingsuck. i used to think how the fuck is she not over him yet when my friend would tell me about you months after you left her. shit.

and you know what else sucks seeing you on instagram stories wearing my shit wearing your glasses wearing your black longsleeves ohmygod i used to kiss the back of your ear and say “you should wear a black longsleeve everyday” and i’m happy to see you listened to me. wearing your high socks with janoskis. god damn if i ever saw you one last time i don’t think i’d be capable of working up the words to say i hate you.

ihatetheway you make me feel like loving you was the only thing i was good at. i hatetheway you make my words move so easily i hatetheway you hide your words from me i hatethe way you’re so scared. i just wanted to love you god damnit. i just wanted to love you. youshould’veletmeloveyou you should’ve let me kiss the backs of your shoulders even though you’re ticklish there. you should’ve let me meet your mom. you should’ve let me in. you should’ve let me love you the way i have to do quietly because you won’t allow me to do it loudly.

i’m scared that years from now this feeling will still be there. goddamnit matt just fucking talk to me. i don’t ask for much. i never did.

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i am not doing well because i am not writing. i haven’t been.

i am cooking spaghetti and i am not talking. the world is quiet where i am right now.

i do not un-love you, jessica pierce. there were over a million words exchanged between us and of all of them i only regret saying four. the rest. i meant every single one. i am grateful we created our us.

i wonder when you will read this post. if you are reading this tonight i do not un-love you. if you are reading this a week from now i do not un-love you. if you are reading this a year from now i do not un-love you. you could play time by the stars or throw all of the clocks away and it wouldn’t matter. i do not un-love you.

you are gratitude and two years and memories and car rides all in one. i do not un-love you. i could never.

time spent with you was not a waste.

i am glad i met you. i am glad we fell in love. i am glad we ended.

my heart. it is not where it usually is. it is displaced.

but it is finally on the road to being fully mended.

i love you dearly, b. you are the love of my life.

sometimes when i am listening to silence instead of your voice i wonder what things would have been like had we never broken up. i have to keep reminding myself that things were supposed to go this way. i was supposed to go without you for two whole years and you without me. but we were supposed to come back together and be stronger. full of love and light and willingness to work shit out no matter what direction shit goes.

i love you to death and beyond. sometimes when i feel like pulling the skin off of my fingers i hold my hands up to my face instead. caress my cheeks with them like they are dew drops on morning grass. my favorite. i think, the universe really saved me for you. it has kept me from losing the most sacred part of me to people who didn’t deserve me. so that i could lose it to you. if that is not something to stop me from destroying my fingers i don’t know what is.

i am tired of shitty wifi with you. i love hokkaido now because i have gotten to know some special people in your family there. i don’t think i’ll ever tire of falling asleep on facetime audio with you. waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your breathing. you know it’s weird. you’re not like most people. most people, their breathing slows when they fall asleep. yours quickens. i can only imagine your heart rate. you make my heart race, especially when i am on the phone with you. or especially when we are talking about what is going to be lost. you blow my fucking mind.

goodnight, b. you carry with you the greatest parts of me.