at my restaurant job i work about 36 hours a week. sometimes more sometimes less. at my university job i work 10. never more never less.

that’s 46 hours a week spent refilling drinks and taking out entrees and writing on cakes and asking “do you want to hear about our special dinner menu?” in a high talking-to-tourists- voice and typing away on my laptop while my professor talks about how much he hates semicolons and saying good morning back to the students who feel like making my day.

and there are 168 hours in a week. that’s more than 1/4 of the week gone, lost to my slaving away to make a living.

i sleep about 8 hours a night. add the 1 hour it takes for me to get out of my bed every morning, that same hour i spend telling bram over and over while half-delirious “i want a baby.” 9 hours spent in bed per night/morning, that’s 63 hours a week.

46 + 63. 109. i have 59 hours to spare.

i love the days where i get to lay in bed and watch¬†jane the virgin.¬†but now that i’ve finished the season i don’t feel like starting another show.

59 hours. i have taken for granted so much those 59 hours. i am sitting behind my students with an after-crying headache and swollen eyes because last night my best friend told me he felt like he didn’t know me anymore. that he didn’t know anyone anymore. and it hit like a bomb. that for more than 168 hours he has been crying for help and we have all been so caught up in our hours that we couldn’t even spare one for him.

if there is anything i learned over the span of my 21 years it is that time is not afraid to slap me right in the face. i have underestimated it time and again (to the point where that pun wasn’t intended) and it has proven me wrong repeatedly. i think that it is too slow and i blink and it reminds me that it is fast as fuck. i think that i can only go forward and it reminds me that it can repeat itself.

i think that i have so much of it but it reminds me that i don’t.

there are these hours every day that i spend doing nothing. laying in bed not replying to people because i am too lazy to. laying in bed not replying to people who need me more than ever.

it’s almost my lunch break and before that hour comes i need to make a phone call.