when the semester ended i thought to myself: i will write i will write i will write all summer. i have all the time in the world all to myself and there are no excuses.
oh. is it really the end of june already? have i really posted nothing, started on nothing, edited nothing? jesus no wonder why i’ve been feeling that tug in my stomach every day since i flew out. i thought i was pregnant. turns out it was just guilt.
i love you, bram salas. you are the only person in the entire universe who has made me so happy that i have become crippled. writing has always been a part of me, has always been an extension of me, has always been something that i’ve felt flows straight from my heart down my arm to my fingertips and onto paper, has always been innate. but since you. i have to force myself to write. writers love sadness, people say this all the time. they love sadness because it makes writing so easy. but god damn. i don’t even remember the last time i was sad with you.
i am sorry i haven’t written.
but if i could i would tell the whole world about the way we made love for the first time. there are a million words i could let loose from my fingers, my mouth, all of the places you’ve touched. a million. how i waited 21 years to lose that part of myself and how i know right well i will never regret this. there are a million words that, if i put together, could tell the story of how i felt when i watched you take that part of me and claim it as your own. how you looked me in the eyes afterwards and told me “you are the love of my fucking life.” how i cried a few minutes later because i didn’t think it would be so good. it. all of it. my life. you. us. that moment. everything.
i love you, i think of you so much. how you have never given me a reason to feel insecure. how you allowed me to buy la taqueria three times in a row. how you always make that stupid face whenever i try to argue with you. so i forgive you right away and all is well. how you are now “uncle b” and “diego” and “jake” and “auntie christen’s special friend” to the girls who make my life a thousand times better. you are my favorite, you are my best friend. come, let’s get married, let’s live in a house together.
i am sorry i haven’t been writing. i’ve been too caught up in you to. forgive me.