i read this story when i was in the sixth grade called “the long, slow burn.” at the time i didn’t know how that felt. how could i. i was only 11. fresh out of elementary school. never felt romantic love in my life.
fuck man. i spent 30 minutes crying two nights ago. my shoulders shaking. my heart breaking. sitting alone in the dark of my room after hearing you yell “fuck your sorries. fuck it all. i’m sick of all of it. i’m done.” now that was one real fucking burn.
at the end of it all. i felt like saying a prayer. like maybe, god please take away this pain. i knew i wanted to pray but i didn’t know what to say. so i just lifted my head and let him take the reins. it came out slowly but surely: god thank you so fucking much for allowing me to feel a love so real. so real it tears at my insides and makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest because i think that’ll hurt less. so real i can’t swallow because my throat is too numb from all of the venom i’ve spit over the past two weeks. not a lot of people get to experience a love this strong. i’m grateful.
i wish i could take it back. my words, my actions, everything. i want to take it all back. stitch up every cut i’ve left on your skin and maybe leave mine open to dry. my scars as reminders to never hurt you again. how could i have done that to someone i loved for 2 whole motherfucking years. i am aware of the value of words and i wish i hadn’t used those two on you. of all people.
i love you to death. i would literally die for you. my fingers are numb again and i just want to throw myself against my bedroom wall. shit would hurt less right. i remember reading “where the red fern grows” in fourth grade, how little ann lost old dan and died of a broken heart. i am almost 21. fresh out of this long, slow burn. one i spent with the love of my life.
i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry you know. i hate being alone with my thoughts because my heart suddenly gains ten pounds. i can feel it dropping all the way down to my stomach and it fucking hurts. it is bigger than i ever imagined. it is hurting so much. i’m sorry for all of my anger. all of my bitterness. all of my resentment. my heart is so painful. did i think in the sixth grade that i would ever be capable of feeling this kind of pain. no. i never knew it was possible.
i will be different. i promise.