i think the whole world deserves to know what happened between us.
let me do this fucking right and tell the story from all angles. i’m sorry you can’t do the same. hopefully you can learn from this. because if there is one thing i won’t tolerate. it’s you spreading bullshit about me.
so let me tell it how it is.
i loved you so fucking much at one point. and i know you loved me too. so don’t go around throwing dirt on my name when you know full well that we planned out the rest of our lives together. don’t go around telling people that you were “just a phase” for me, or that i lied our whole relationship, because you weren’t. i still have the goddamned messages from when we poured out all of our feelings to each other. i won’t delete them. that way if someone asks for receipts i can show them that what i felt in that moment was completely and without a doubt some real shit.
the things i kept from you, i did to protect you. to spare your goddamned feelings that i still care about to this day. i didn’t keep this shit from you to come off as a liar. i did it to keep you from feeling bad. yeah okay. i had certain people in my life telling me never to go back to you because you were toxic as fuck for me. do you think that’s something that i would tell you openly, in the middle of the day? “hey, my friends think you’re toxic as fuck and that you should stay away from me.” how fucked up would that be. especially when i was trying to preserve our relationship for however long. way longer than i should have, that’s for sure. why would i drop that kind of bomb on you when i wanted the exact opposite of what it would effect. yeah i told you this when we were going up in flames and you accused me of lying to you the entire relationship. but i kept that from you because i wanted to and it didn’t need to be fucking said because it wasn’t what i wanted at the time. so you can go and tell people what you want about me lying to you. that’s the full fucking story.
alright. i’m not going to leave out the shitty things that i did because i’m going to tell it how it is. alright i became extremely toxic to you towards the last few months of our relationship. i own up to that. i was aware of my toxic behavior. my emotional abuse. my anger. my repressed resentment. my built up jealousy. everything. i am responsible for everything. for the way i talked to you, for the way i treated you. i take full responsibility for all of it because i own up to my own toxic behavior and ways. so yeah i’m going to tell people that i did all of those things because it’s fucking true. the one thing i know i didn’t do during our relationship was lie. so you can go and tell people that i was toxic and an emotional bully and all of that shit because that part is true as fuck. i accept it and i own up to it. but what i am not. what i was not. was a goddamned liar. and you telling people that i was a liar. oh boy. that just makes it ironic as fuck. who’s the liar now.
we let what we had go on for too fucking long. too fucking long that we destroyed each other. to be honest. i wish so badly that i had listened to my friends when they told me to end things with you the day that i found out you cheated on me. maybe then we would have ended on better terms.
the truth is i never forgave you for what you did. i held it against you subconsciously and i used it against you in every argument we had. if there is one thing i learned from our relationship it’s that i should never try to force fix something that i know is unable to be fixed. i think we tried too damn hard to do that. it just ended in resentment. ugly ass resentment that built up over months and months of trying to mend something that couldn’t be put back together. it’s not your fault though. it’s mine.
i wrote you a long ass closure piece. telling you that i was sorry for my mistakes. that i wished you all the best. that i wanted you to be healthy and happy, especially in your next relationship. i have it posted here on my blog with a password needed to read it. and your response was: “this is dumb as fuck.” that i sent you an e-mail shortly after thanking you for everything, to which you didn’t reply to. so don’t you dare tell people that i wasn’t good to you in the end. i tried my hardest to make things right only to have you tell me to my face that i was a liar. hear me out next time.
i still think about you to this day because i still fucking care. i’m not throwing dirt on your name because i loved you so much at one point. i can’t do that. you go ahead and burn my pictures. you go ahead and tell people what i did wrong. you go girl. but what you don’t do is tell people that i was a liar.
i am so good to my boyfriend. he is so good to me. so fucking goddamned good to me. i mean that in every sense of the word. and i wish that you find yourself in a relationship sometime in the future in which you feel and get the same. i want you to be loved and happy and with someone who is not toxic for you the way i was. i am sorry i was. i am truly. i wished you this in my e-mail to you. don’t forget that.
you were good to me, so good to me at one point. so i’ll tell people that. i won’t tell people the super terrible shit that happened between us unless they fucking ask. our relationship was not all bitter taste in our mouths. sometimes it was sweet. sometimes it was the best taste in the world. but in the end it just tasted so fucking bitter we both had to spit it out. sorry it had to come to that.