i think the whole world deserves to know what happened between us.

let me do this fucking right and tell the story from all angles. i’m sorry you can’t do the same. hopefully you can learn from this. because if there is one thing i won’t tolerate. it’s you spreading bullshit about me.

so let me tell it how it is.

i loved you so fucking much at one point. and i know you loved me too. so don’t go around throwing dirt on my name when you know full well that we planned out the rest of our lives together. don’t go around telling people that you were “just a phase” for me, or that i lied our whole relationship, because you weren’t. i still have the goddamned messages from when we poured out all of our feelings to each other. i won’t delete them. that way if someone asks for receipts i can show them that what i felt in that moment was completely and without a doubt some real shit.

the things i kept from you, i did to protect you. to spare your goddamned feelings that i still care about to this day. i didn’t keep this shit from you to come off as a liar. i did it to keep you from feeling bad. yeah okay. i had certain people in my life telling me never to go back to you because you were toxic as fuck for me. do you think that’s something that i would tell you openly, in the middle of the day? “hey, my friends think you’re toxic as fuck and that you should stay away from me.” how fucked up would that be. especially when i was trying to preserve our relationship for however long. way longer than i should have, that’s for sure. why would i drop that kind of bomb on you when i wanted the exact opposite of what it would effect. yeah i told you this when we were going up in flames and you accused me of lying to you the entire relationship. but i kept that from you because i wanted to and it didn’t need to be fucking said because it wasn’t what i wanted at the time. so you can go and tell people what you want about me lying to you. that’s the full fucking story.

alright. i’m not going to leave out the shitty things that i did because i’m going to tell it how it is. alright i became extremely toxic to you towards the last few months of our relationship. i own up to that. i was aware of my toxic behavior. my emotional abuse. my anger. my repressed resentment. my built up jealousy. everything. i am responsible for everything. for the way i talked to you, for the way i treated you. i take full responsibility for all of it because i own up to my own toxic behavior and ways. so yeah i’m going to tell people that i did all of those things because it’s fucking true. the one thing i know i didn’t do during our relationship was lie. so you can go and tell people that i was toxic and an emotional bully and all of that shit because that part is true as fuck. i accept it and i own up to it. but what i am not. what i was not. was a goddamned liar. and you telling people that i was a liar. oh boy. that just makes it ironic as fuck. who’s the liar now.

we let what we had go on for too fucking long. too fucking long that we destroyed each other. to be honest. i wish so badly that i had listened to my friends when they told me to end things with you the day that i found out you cheated on me. maybe then we would have ended on better terms.

the truth is i never forgave you for what you did. i held it against you subconsciously and i used it against you in every argument we had. if there is one thing i learned from our relationship it’s that i should never try to force fix something that i know is unable to be fixed. i think we tried too damn hard to do that. it just ended in resentment. ugly ass resentment that built up over months and months of trying to mend something that couldn’t be put back together. it’s not your fault though. it’s mine.

i wrote you a long ass closure piece. telling you that i was sorry for my mistakes. that i wished you all the best. that i wanted you to be healthy and happy, especially in your next relationship. i have it posted here on my blog with a password needed to read it. and your response was: “this is dumb as fuck.” that i sent you an e-mail shortly after thanking you for everything, to which you didn’t reply to. so don’t you dare tell people that i wasn’t good to you in the end. i tried my hardest to make things right only to have you tell me to my face that i was a liar. hear me out next time.

i still think about you to this day because i still fucking care. i’m not throwing dirt on your name because i loved you so much at one point. i can’t do that. you go ahead and burn my pictures. you go ahead and tell people what i did wrong. you go girl. but what you don’t do is tell people that i was a liar.

i am so good to my boyfriend. he is so good to me. so fucking goddamned good to me. i mean that in every sense of the word. and i wish that you find yourself in a relationship sometime in the future in which you feel and get the same. i want you to be loved and happy and with someone who is not toxic for you the way i was. i am sorry i was. i am truly. i wished you this in my e-mail to you. don’t forget that.

you were good to me, so good to me at one point. so i’ll tell people that. i won’t tell people the super terrible shit that happened between us unless they fucking ask. our relationship was not all bitter taste in our mouths. sometimes it was sweet. sometimes it was the best taste in the world. but in the end it just tasted so fucking bitter we both had to spit it out. sorry it had to come to that.


i love you dearly, b. you are the love of my life.

sometimes when i am listening to silence instead of your voice i wonder what things would have been like had we never broken up. i have to keep reminding myself that things were supposed to go this way. i was supposed to go without you for two whole years and you without me. but we were supposed to come back together and be stronger. full of love and light and willingness to work shit out no matter what direction shit goes.

i love you to death and beyond. sometimes when i feel like pulling the skin off of my fingers i hold my hands up to my face instead. caress my cheeks with them like they are dew drops on morning grass. my favorite. i think, the universe really saved me for you. it has kept me from losing the most sacred part of me to people who didn’t deserve me. so that i could lose it to you. if that is not something to stop me from destroying my fingers i don’t know what is.

i am tired of shitty wifi with you. i love hokkaido now because i have gotten to know some special people in your family there. i don’t think i’ll ever tire of falling asleep on facetime audio with you. waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your breathing. you know it’s weird. you’re not like most people. most people, their breathing slows when they fall asleep. yours quickens. i can only imagine your heart rate. you make my heart race, especially when i am on the phone with you. or especially when we are talking about what is going to be lost. you blow my fucking mind.

goodnight, b. you carry with you the greatest parts of me.

you are the favorite you know. my mom’s, my best friend’s, my online friend’s.

i just want to start over. god damnit i just want to start the fuck over.

loving you is too easy. it’s something all too familiar to me. i find it exhilarating to do it all again.

to think that we’ve come from you pushing my 4th grade best friend against the monkey bars because you were getting jealous of how close he was standing to me to you messaging me two kisses and 2.5 years later that you love the fuck out of me.

i read and write about stars all the time but here i am reading the stars and i am writing that it feels to me like they are telling me we are meant to be.

us. the perfect example of two people who are finding it impossible to escape each other. we can be gone for years at a time but come back to each other like nothing. the air tastes like vulnerability and open veins and spilled blood all over again. you knew me better than anyone did. we lost two years but i’m sure you’ll know me better than anyone does in no time.

on a side note, fuck time.

i love you. you’re my best friend. come. let’s get married and live in a house (with a lizard room) together. you make all of this too god damned easy.

matthew 2:1

i am convinced that god does not want us to cross paths again.

it is february 1st, hence the bible verse reference.

i am sorry i still care. my hands are shaking. if i could get any prayer answered directly i would ask to speak to you one last time.

b: 1

there is a clock on my dresser. i look at it sometimes when i wake up in the middle of the night. even though it is useless. even though it has been broken for over a year now. i don’t know why i haven’t thrown it out. i think way too often about how it is so easy to replace. that old time teller. how ironic that i feel like i don’t have the time to replace it.

time. what a construct. right now i am thinking in terms of it related to you. how much of it we have lost over the years. how much i wish i could bend it. go back and defy it so that we could start over. draw out every new memory we make as if it does not exist.

i love you b. there is the moon right outside my window and i know you look at it on your side of the earth every night and think of me. i have a shit ton of chemistry lab homework to do but i’m sitting here typing away my words for you. taking my time.

time. i don’t want to waste any more time when it comes to you. i am sorry for all of the years we lost. all of the minutes we could have spent in our bundle of intimacy. all of the seconds we could have made to last like hours. i am sorry for the amount it took for you to heal. for the amount it took for me to realize i fucked up.

i don’t want time to exist when it comes to you anymore. let me leave my clock on my dresser in peace. from now on the world is ours and we are in control of it. fuck time. fuck it all. the only good thing i think it has done was leading you back to me.